Five Times John Tried to Kill Sherlock
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: After John and Sherlock are reunited it becomes apparent that John is severely in need of anger management lessons.


**Author's Note: **I may just be a bit of a sadist here….enjoy anyway!

**In the Restaurant/Café/Fish and Chip Shop.**

Sherlock was very put out.

He had expected some sort of tantrum from John, after all his blogger was always prone to flights of overreaction like a two year old, but he had thought it would come _after_ the hug. Instead he had been viciously attacked, in a manner similar to a passionate attempt of murder, not once but _three _times.

John very nearly succeeded strangling Sherlock in the posh up-end restaurant until they, and John's rather interesting new fiancée, were kicked out.

Then he snapped and used the salt pot as a weapon in the café they could have had a somewhat reasonable cup of tea (though Sherlock doubt it judging by the server's nails), and got them kicked out _again._

Sherlock thought he had gotten through to John, especially since Mary seemed to be on his side, at the fish and chip shop but unfortunately John just decided his hard, very much _thick_ skull, would make a much better weapon than the salt pot as he head-butted Sherlock very hard in the face.

And yes they were kicked out once more.

So yes, Sherlock was very put out.

(But nowhere near as put out as he was when the reaction he wanted from John came from _Lestrade_ of all people! Hmmph!)

**After the Bomb.**

The police were acting fast.

Thanks to some anonymous tip they were about to prevent the greatest terrorist plot since Guy Fawkes – _literally,_ some nutter was about to blow up Parliament! – and they needed to act quickly. Lestrade led them to the crime scene as he apparently had contact with their mysterious tipper.

None of them were prepared for what they were about to encounter.

And no they were not talking about the bomb (though that was _fucking huge_!). What they were all gawking at was in fact a pair of men sort of rolling about_ in_ the bomb. A young-ish but middle-aged, sandy haired man, was straddling a much taller, dark haired, younger man, and was thoroughly strangling him with a long blue scarf.

"Err…" a bomb squad member said hesitantly, "shouldn't you arrest those two?"

"Nah, just ignore them," Inspector Lestrade ordered, "Just carry on if they're not there and hopefully they'll stop and go home."

"Oh…erm is this normal behaviour then?"

Lestrade pinched his nose and tried to fight off the massive migraine he was getting (why did he want Sherlock back again?). "Yes," he sighed, "this is completely normal."

None of the bomb squad believed him.

He wasn't surprised, he didn't really believe himself either.

**Before the Wedding. **

"So let me get this straight," John said calmly as possible, which wasn't much because Sherlock could just read the anger radiating from his tone, body language, and facial expression. "first there is a murder upstairs, which you would much rather solve than attend _my wedding_, then you tell me that you lost _my wedding rings_, or maybe not lost it just accidentally let that jewel thief still it because you thought it would be great bait to invite the thief to _my wedding_, and then let's not forget my pathetic excuse of a Stag Night-"

"You cannot tell me that you did not enjoy the chase of hunting down the stripper murder!" Sherlock interrupted indignantly. "It was much more amusing than any of the usual dull and tedious activities society expects a bachelor to do on his last night of freedom."

"It wasn't serving justice or the running I objected to," John snapped, "it was the fact three giraffe like women had me tied up, gagged, and ready to be murdered before you could move your lazy backside and rescue me!"

"Oh please," Sherlock snorted disdainfully, "if you weren't so out of shape you would have never gotten in that situation to begin with."

It was then John snapped and suddenly tackled Sherlock onto the floor. Before Sherlock could protest, make some sort of logical argument that would have put John back into his senses, John punched him hard in the nose, and Sherlock's great intelligent mind shut down in order to protect himself. He rolled John onto his back and tried to pin him down to the ground when John retaliated and soon Sherlock found himself on his stomach, arms pinned on his back, and John firmly straddled on his bottom.

"Awesome!" a voice suddenly shouted above them. John paused in his attempt to kill Sherlock to see that his sister had made herself comfortable on the bed and helped herself to the mini bar. "Oh don't stop for me," Harry said cheerfully, "but you might want to consider informing your fiancée that you returned to your homosexual ways before you marry her, not after."

"I AM _**NOT**_ GAY!"

Sherlock was certain the only reason why John didn't proceed to attempt killing his sister was because Mrs Hudson chose that moment to come in and check on 'her boys'.

And yes, she did tell them off.

**After the Wedding. **

Despite all the trouble the actual wedding went smoothly and Sherlock was pleased to say that unlike most couples there was absolutely nothing to signify that this marriage was going to end anytime soon. He had recently learned Mary was better at reigning in John's temper than he was.

Something (fine! His black eye) told him that Sherlock was totally useless at calming John down.

"And now for the best man speech!"

"_Oh God no_," John moaned beside Sherlock.

Entirely insulted Sherlock stood up huffily. "I will keep this short as possible as we all know how dull and boring I find these things," some morons chuckled at that but the intelligent people like Mrs Hudson, Molly, and John all glowered at him. They knew it was an insult. "What can I tell you about John? A great deal, a lot of it tedious as he has a tendency to try and be boring as possible, he calls it normality." From the corner of his eye he can see John's hands curling into fists and decided to hurry it along. "Let's all raise a glass and wish John and Mary a long, happy, marriage with lots of babies, like we do at all weddings. Only we all know privately that it won't because John is an adrenalin junkie that will spend all his time with me and stupid, ignorant, people from the press will persist with the idea that he is gay until his problems with anger management gets the better of him and he is arrested for assault." At this point John slammed his hand down on the table and stood up so quickly that his chair fell with a loud clatter.

Mary placed a comforting hand on the other side, "John," she reproached him gently.

"You should listen to your wife, John," Sherlock said loudly, "because right now you're kind of proving my point. Anyway, all the best, the chicken was badly cooked, the jewel thief and murderer have been captured, it surprised me that Mary dared invite her ex to the wedding that is so obviously still in love with her, not that he will ever get another chance she's over him, and your sister is currently doing Mary's bridesmaid in the bathroom, oh and did I mention that-"

It was then John snapped for the second time that day. He grabbed Sherlock by the hair and then proceeded to try and smother him to death with the wedding cake.

Sherlock had to give John originality on this one, he didn't know a wedding cake could be used as a murder weapon till today.

Lucky for both of them Mary just laughed it off and licked the frosting of Sherlock's cheek…well she scraped it off with her finger first but it was virtually the same much to his disgust and for some reason all his friends thought it was an invitation to eat off of him.

**A Stay at 221B Baker Street. **

It was an unusual event. John, his blogger, his doctor, his ex-soldier that used to be his flatmate, was staying at 221B Baker Street despite the fact that he was supposed to be a happily married man in his own establishment. This was, despite Sherlock's glee to have John back where he was supposed to be, a bit of a concern.

"Why are you here again?" he asked on the second morning.

"I told you," John said between gritted teeth, "Mary has gone on a girl's weekend away, and instead of sitting home alone like any old saddo, I thought I would spend the time with you."

"Hmmph."

"What?" John demanded.

"Nothing," Sherlock said sweetly.

"Don't lie, Sherlock," John snapped, "I know you. You had a thought, and probably not a good one. Just spit it out."

"It was nothing," Sherlock lied innocently.

"I'm not an idiot, Sherlock," John rolled his eyes. Sherlock would have argued this point but quite frankly he really didn't want another bloody nose or the like. "It wasn't nothing, it was something, so spill."

"Very well," Sherlock sighed heavily, "I find it very odd that Mary would want to go so early in her marriage. After all this is supposed to be the blissful honeymoon period."

"What are you trying to imply?"

"Nothing mean," Sherlock said hastily, "just merely for Mary to be this quick to escape you then she must be unhappy."

"Nothing mean, _nothing mean_," John shouted, "Sherlock that was mean. Mary is not unhappy-"

"Are you sure?" Sherlock quirked an eyebrow up. "You have been spending an increasingly large amount of time here instead of with her. That is enough to dissatisfy any woman."

"I'm sure," John hissed. "Seeing as the only reason I'm here more often is because of the cases and Mary fully encourages me to pursue them."

"Perhaps-"

"_She is not cheating on me_!"

"I didn't say she was!"

"You were going to suggest it!"

"Well if you think that was what I was going to suggest," Sherlock began rapidly, "then obviously it has been praying on your mind. I wouldn't be depressed if I was you, John, it's perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Many marriages end terribly these days and divorce rates within the first year of marriage has been climbing-"

"WE'RE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE!"

Mrs Hudson was in the middle of her usual cleaning routine when she heard a familiar loud thump on the floor, she smiled happily as the thumping noise continued and a strangled _Sherlock_ could be heard from a loud, growling John, it was so nice to know things were back to normal once again!

She then frowned as she remember poor Mary. _Oh!_ She did wish John would wait until after the divorce before he returned to his old ways with Sherlock!


End file.
